Two weeks my dear friend Clare died of cigarettes and alcohol. Primarily cigarettes. She was 66. She suffered brain damage from lack of oxygen. Her daughter, a lifelong friend of mine and Ben's godmother, asked me to help out with the inevitable sorting and organizing of Clare's house. As I took the train to Virginia I realized that I absolutely could not smoke while I was there. That to do so would be inconsiderate and thoughtless and just... vile. And so I didn't. I slapped on a patch and I stayed busy. We worked about 14 hours a day sorting through a lifetime of papers and... just stuff. I stayed for five days and then I came back home.
It's been harder here in my routine life. I sit in front of this computer and I want to smoke. I work on my NaNoWriMo stuff and I want to smoke. I count off the firsts. First time I stopped into the corner bodega for coffee and didn't buy a pack of cigarettes. First time I didn't smoke after sex. First time I didn't smoke after a meal with wine. First time I didn't smoke between leaving the office and getting on the subway.
I've reached the bored with not smoking stage now. Feeling proud and strong has worn off and I just feel tired of struggling with it. I'm waiting for that to pass. I'm sure it will.
Every time I find myself pacing around (my body off looking for cigarettes before my mind catches up with it), or rubbing my face and longing to light up, I think about what my friend is going through. I think about how Clare was only 66. How humiliated she must have felt to have gotten lung cancer and how stupid she must have felt. And I think about my kids and my partner and my friends. And I just... don't. I don't go to the corner store. I wait it out.
3 comments:
Hey Ann. After smoking for over 40 years i can understand what you are going through.. I would like to tell you that it will go away for good sometime but i cannot...there is always the little thing in your head that does remember that they did seem to taste good and make you feel good but the consequences far out weight the supposedly good feeling... keep at it and you can do it... take care...Uncle JOHN
Hang tough. The habitual things will pass and, after a few tens of years so will the desire. Us ancients have managed to kick it and so will you because you know why you're quitting. Lots of love, Dad
Way to go!! The hardest part of this quitting thing (and I did it several times)are the triggers. When you can get by them it will be lots easier. My hang up was talking on the telephone and it passed. I'm very proud of you.
Love, Mom
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